The Rug
I walked towards the couch and I noticed that spot in the rug. You know that one spot in front of where you always sit. Even though you bought a couch with several seating spots, you have decided in a very Sheldon move to claim only one spot as the optimal piece of fabric to hold your ass. So you go and sit there for the nth time while your feet, your bared naked nasty feet, rub against the once pristine rug. The same which which now can only be described as a clammy dark disgusting fungus breeding party.
You eat your grapefruit while you watch Issa Rae do her thing, but in the back of your mind, you know. This is wrong. There’s something wrong. No respectable human should be living under these stained rug conditions.
Finally, the magical question is raised: how can you clean a shag rug? I could use water, but how would I dry it afterward? Side note: how do people living in condos are supposed to dry their big stuff? I was specifically reminded that I wasn’t allowed to dry anything outside of my apartment when I rented it. That was THE FIRST thing she said when going over the lease, the first. As if that was the biggest sin I could commit. They definitely didn’t mention I wasn’t able to listen to music louder than 10%, without my old ass neighbors complaining and calling the musical-condo-cops on me. Sure, that last time it was definitely my fault. But in my defense, I was having sex and I didn’t notice that the music was the one making the whole room vibrate. Anyways, closing the side note. How DO you clean a #&(*@$ shag rug?
Step #1: WhatsApp.
You message all your friends and ask them. However, pretty soon you realize your friends are as lazy as your are and they have zero idea.
Step #2: Spray.
After sifting through several pretty stupid suggestions, yes Shashin, I am looking at you. You settled in what seemed a very reasonable option. You buy rug cleaning spray. Sprays are very straightforward. I’ve used glass cleaning spray, you spray it and your glass is clean. I’ve used hair styling spray, you spray it and your hair won’t move ever again. I’ve used perfume spray, you spray it and you smell good. So I got rug cleaning spray, it should be pretty obvious what I need to do, right? no.
People who make rug spray: GET YOUR ISH together. I spray it, nothing happens. I spray it and rub it, nothing happens. I spray and scrub it with a hard scrubbing brush thingy… let’s just say that before I did that the rug was extremely disgusting after doing that the rug was only mildly disgusting.
Step #3: Amazon.
If you can’t fight them, pay someone that can fight for you. So as with all my other cleaning needs, I head to amazon. Flash news hiring someone to clean your rug costs more than $100.00. What?
Step #4: YouTube.
All the gurus about every single topic are on YouTube. If anyone will know how to clean a rug are these people. After expending around 4 hours watching a mix of reviews, vacuum wars, and cleaning ASMR videos, I had it. I needed a rug vacuum that shampoos, scrubs, and dries them. I knew the best brand. I knew the best model. I knew how many times I would need to pass it over a rug in order to get a stain of clay out of it. Why are they testing vacuums against clay? How big is the pottery-making population? Anyways, I was ready. I head to Amazon, made the order, and paid.
Step #5: Regret.
Do you know that moment when you realized you just paid $230 dollars for a vacuum to clean a single spot in a rug that brand new would cost you $200? No? Only me? Am I the only psycho who would do something like that? Noted. So I panicked, went back and canceled the order.
Step #6: Just get a fucking new rug and next time, don’t buy a white shag rug.
